I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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