And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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