im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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