I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
