WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
