For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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