I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
