my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
