I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
