I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
