im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
