new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just forgot I was standing up.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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