I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
