The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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