You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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