Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
