It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize