If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
