3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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