Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
