ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
