i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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