I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
