My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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