Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
