Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
