Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
