stop calling my apartment porn island.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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