pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
