ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
