why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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