I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
