If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
