I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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