Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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