Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
