I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
