you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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