U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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