i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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