i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
