you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
