What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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