Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
