Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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