Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
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