turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
