I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
