I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
