omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
