How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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