dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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