just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
