goodnight i made you a song goodbye
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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