why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
