I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
