Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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