I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
