They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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